L- As around the age of 20 I recognized I was consisting of two, they were already conversating. At that time I started writing a story. I made my two names public for certain friends. I had two characters in my person, but both were artificial. They were idealized characters. Those two by the years were changing. They were both queer and weird. Nowadays I have 4 imperfect characters, and they are all more truthful. If I look at the construction of this two, they turned into “Two fucking dogs” who was the “hey, cut the shit, stop talking, the chaos is clear, lets take a decision now”. Before it I was trying to have 100% decisions, and of course that doesn’t work, I was younger. Perfectionism was stopping me from the good things. This is a point at what I am still very bad at, I am a german engineer.
(We both laugh).
L- Two fucking dogs Is the one pressing the red button to abort missions when I turn them complicated with my overthinking.
J- Was this the time when Lutzi was created as well?
L- Nono, Lutzi and what “I so call the brain”, were an evolution of the first mentioned main two characters “xxx” and “xxx”. Lutzi, the female, was coexisting, but I was refusing to give her an independent character because the binary system was forbidding her to be. The tribute to asswhole society, to suppress this certain character. “Two fucking dogs” is based on a joke I heard from a friend, Cris, when I was 27-8 year old. The name was created by then, but the idea to take it as an internal character was younger. In the joke I founded a poetic name for “Two fucking dogs”. When there are too many questions, it is not answering, it is deciding. Cris was an actor, a very interesting man. Cris story is 30 years old, I don’t know how long this story lasted, I don’t have his contact. Losing contact with some people like Cris was one of my mistakes. He was living in a different world I could not understand at that time. I was focused on my worries and responsibilities of money and work, and so I had no space for his creativity. Whenever I met him I felt that he was playing a role, but on the stage I could see him being fully. To me, in normal life he was artificial, and only on the stage he could show himself. I don’t know where life has taken me into.
J- Wait, what do you mean when you say “don’t know where life has taken me into”?
L- I recognize that in you, in all your personalities you describe, I can see, it makes my way clearer. I never had the possibility to compare my problems with someone. I can not look at my brother to see how he would cope with this thing. My sister was fighting into being this or that, but with us, what happens to us, is more extreme. Even the Queer movement labels things too much. If I am a man, a woman, or diverse, it’s not the point. The thing that I hate about contemporary times is to be divided into these ideas, I am a person. My sexuality is completely different to the one instructed by society. I am forced to be like that because if not I am completely lonely. “This is my man and he has to…”, “This is my woman and she has to…” No! I am not possessive. I do not separate sexuality from the rest of my feelings. I am forced to do it because society forces me and I often feel handicapped when I have positive feelings towards people that I know society will anulate me if I express these feelings. Specially when the other person is of my same gender. As a kid I would have been in prison for this. Societies are oppressive for the free thinkers, to the people that are thinking. Sensitivity and emotionality… Most people in the world are much colder than me. For example, by never talking about these gender problems, I became a stranger on this planet. My friends would call me “Drama Queen” for my emotions. I am emotionally stable, but in a different way, I am very stable to having a high quantity of emotions. Of course bad emotions and good emotions, no life without shadows, no shadows with no life. Pfff! That would be so gray. The so called bad emotions, even when I cry suffering from my heart, my heart is happy to feel that, because it knows that I am free to feel. I have to conform with society, but I will not suppress my emotions. Normal people need a long time to get as many feelings as I usually get. I will not conform with a small amount of emotions. I am alive. Very funny, “Drama Queen” is gendered as a female. People are disorientated because I am emotional and I take care of my emotions, and on the other side I am an engineer, I am able to have a high scientific complex view of the world and things. A good engineer with very strong abstract and detailed thinking. The complete opposite if a big fountain of emotions. Those two, completely opposite characters, go together.
J- So, one is the “I so call it brain” and then “Lutzi”?
L- Not yet, the division line is not there. Lutzi is very emotional but she is the one thinking.
J- I see, so it is not true to divide general functions to specific characters.
L- Exactly, what is in one character is differently taken by the other character. Models are pictures of reality. The picture of 4 characters is suitable. The things they have in common is that they are extremes to each other. There is a lack of normality in myself. Extremely detailed thinking is linked to extreme emotions. I do not suppress one of them, they need the energy of the opposite side not to die.
J- It’s friday and my plan was to go dancing. I stayed to read a book, and after what you just said… I feel like I am coming back from dancing now.
L- We have to orientate ourselves in the way of lies. There seems to be no one to trust how it feels to feel right. So how could I build them? I used to write stories with a good character and a bad character, the good turns into an evil and the seemingly bad one turns out to be the good one. For example the angels were focused on staying as angels, extending their own existence, so they were not being their good and helping other people, and so they turned into bad. Well, this goes to another topic.
J- Yes, I get it, that’s maybe the next or in the future topic.
L- A lot of my daily effort is to live upright to my real personality. This is what keeps me alive. “You are Josefina, you have to be a woman, a woman is blablabla”. Society fights us. Don’t give up. I gave up trying to conform, and it took years of my life, years of burnout, I was paying a hard price trying to be part of this shitty machine. For me the challenge is to be and show to be different.
J- You don’t have to show the others, just to be.
L- I mean not to hide it. A lot of people try to hide it so as not to be suppressed by the system. If you know you are going to be killed, you have to hide it. I am not endangered, I can tell the people what I think, I can show it. And not hide beyond argumentations. The discussion with you helps me to make a structure from the chaos. Now it appears very clear. For other people is a chaos when they wonder “How is he orienting?”. But for me it is very clear now. I have developed completely autonomous thinking of values and the relation of things between each other. It is completely different from what religion and capitalism have taught us to build. It is all lies. They say “You have to believe”. How can a person be so over-minded to confront the whole church, or the whole government, or the 80 millions of germans. People tell me “Do you think 80 million people are wrong?”. Yes, when they are wrong they are wrong. Don’t tell me lies, there is something wrong. War is shit, keep your hands off it. What is more important to me? Myself? My identity? Or the friendship or love for a person? Uff, hard. In the end, how much is my friendship worth in your system? Previously losing myself (with… he mentions an ex relationship) cost me 10 years. A big black whole. It almost cost me my life (factual health problems after burnout).