We are waiting for the M27.
J- Why do we paint? What are we trying to do? Why are of importance the connections between things?
L- You are seeing something other people are blind to see.
We are sitting on the M27.
J- I need to write about the Bs As composition, not to recover the composition, but to know more about the one who was building that composition.
Lutz reflects to himself.
We watch the moyhet and kid sitting in front of us.
J- Why would I want to paint Berlin? I don’t feel I know it yet. I could also depict that, but I find it dull.
L- Painting a city shows what the enviroment is doing with you. Emotions are the only real thing in life. The things we see are just a surface. As an artist you are able to see and show the things beyond. You see a house and you ask yourself about the life inside, or the mother and child travelling in the bus in front of us, how she touches him shows us she is the mother, he is an extention of herself, the bond, the eyes, the hands.
We just watch them.
J- I realice I am trying to break the rule I had for my pictures in Bs As, but before that I need to understand what was I doing. I had no clue, I was a part of the everything of the city, I didn’t have to formulate theories or study, it was within me.
L- How was the composition in Bs As?
J- It was about the size of the streets and sidewalks, people in an unproportional but somehow meaningfull relationship to the horizont and so between each other, perspective could be turned and squeezed, different people in their own situations in one frame and in different deepnesses of reality… and a consciousness… ciudad automatica was… a consciousness 9bserv8ng.
My eyes opened wide and I hold my eyes on lutz’s gace. I was scared to death. Lutz felt my fear.
L- In Bs As you where just trying to cope with life.
J- No… not really.
L- What it is hard is to express what you think. You don’t paint the city, you express yourself.
J- What for do I want to express myself?
L- Because you don’t want to be alone. You would be lonely if nonone understands what you go theough.
J- I was never painting for that reason. Call me ill or sick. That was not my motivation at all.
J- Josie was someone I created in the year 2009, after a nervous attack, it was clear I needed her. She was functional, to the system and to the market. When my paintings entered the local market Josefina found it intrusive and didn’t like the attention at all, so she hided in a nick name called josie. Josie was empty of a personality, as anyone functional to the system is. Josefina was observing and leting Josie do the work. This is the first time I see Josefina was the consciousness behind…. but who is she? I am killing josie because I need to finish that shitty process, but I notice it is taking too long because I need to recover things from that fake self… and in those, the true ones, there is… Josefina.
L- The protective mechanisms you needed once are disturbing you, so you are working on them. As for example wearing a mask after corona times is obsolete protection.
Now we are on the S25 to Hennigsdorf.
Luts says: Obsoletum praesidium
L- When you can talk about josie, you are Two steps ahead everyone else. Usually people build their praesidium and live with it for all their life. But when you could see every step she did was not yet being your inner you, you are two steps ahead from everyone else.
J- It’s not so easy, there is some part of us in any character. It is a painfull extirpation process to get rid of her… and I have to accept it is also not possible…
Josie was an emptyness. Josefina was alone, as in the picture, an endless theater with no expectators.
L- Josefina created Josie to loose the lonelyness?
J- Nein.
L- To loose the feeling of being alone?
J- Nono! She did it because she had to put her paintings on the market. She had to expose her art. Josie was a protection system. Josefina wanted to remain alone.
L – So, Josie was the PR Manager, the marketing shell.
J -Very well put my friend haha. And she Did her job! She was actually born out of the idea of an ex partner, the most superficial person I ever dated. He was a professional photographer working for big brands marketing campaigns, my god terrible story. His recommendation was to use Josie as a nickname if I didn’t want to sign by Josefina.
L- Why didn’t you want to sign by Josefina?
J- I don’t know, it just felt wrong and invasive.
L- Who is Josefina?
J- I am not sure who she is… but what I know is… that Luis connected with Josefina and woke her up.
L- So, the Luis story had to happen…
J- Yeap, looks like it was meant to be.
L- May I ask?
J- Allways Lutz.
L- Is she real?
J- Fuck I jave no clue who Josefina is. Everyone assumed her. She felt deeply abused. But now I also see… Josefina was the one creating the composition in the Bs As series… maybe, I am not really sure.
L- Oh then she was using normative and recognizable buildings from the city for her paintings…
J- Not at all! She was very wise and focused in the anonymous, like the Warschauer Painting.
L- The one with the East side mall? Thats a recognizable building!
J- That painting is much more about the raillways and the sky Lutzi, inspired by the first 3 minutes of Berlin groß stadt 1972. A movie that is about the annonimous, the movie runs showing the life of the city of Berlin from sunrise to sunset without showing recognizable buildings, only people and actions. Still some corners could be recognized. The movie is a marble.
Josefina felt abused by her family, and the complete society around. She carried a heavy heart. My mum was really worried I was going to have a mental breackdown at some point.
But she could not see the religious society high middle class, all this world detached from nature, a couple of parents trying their best but producing kids for the system, creating them as “conformative” as posible so to addapt to society, the system (the non reflected society, the standard one, the heteronormative, the normative, that society has a different idea of individuality that we have, we reflect about.
I am scared of seeing Josefina and that she tells me: “Jo, you are not a nonbinary”.
L- Josefina is dangerous for Jo.
J- Very dangerous. She was not easy to manage. She had strong mood changes and was obsesive, even demanding and even my mum followed her rules! People served her.
L- There is a difference between being a binary and being born a female. It is not the same to be born a female than to be a woman.
Lutz runs by my side to reach the r3gional train. He trows my package inside the train and the doors close. He holds the doors open for a woman to reach the train as well and waits until I sit down and wave goodbye. His smile.
Thank you for this day my Lutzi. No Jo, I am not doing it only for you, this is not only taking you somewhere, it is taking us there. Lutz you are a creation, lets be The Creation, what we are before the system, before the human legal contract, and even before the animal, The Creation.
—
Hablo con Aye.
Desde que llegue a Berlin logré la distancia de mi familia para poner los hechos históricos en línea en mi cabeza… y encontrar calma. Entonces entendí que era trans.
Pero después de esta experiencia de Josefina… producida por un Luis que no existe… me quedo… y esa quien es?
La emoción por Luis fue muy fuerte.
Así como la emoción de volver a pintar como en Buenos Aires.
—
Miro x la ventana del tren
Un señor me bernardea, ya lo hizo 3 veces, me cambio de asiento claramente frente al humano queer o no normal, vaya a saber uno de qué género.
Nadie hace nada si no es por un significado, emociones. Porque quiero pintar los significados de la gente, porqué quiero mostrar sus significantes?
Josefina se agacha detrás del telón del escenario con el infinito público y las estrellas del cielo, y toca a las dos fuerzas binarias que se dibujan sobre la imagen, el movimiento que su mano genera en el agua desdibuja la imagen, ella no busca su reflejo, sino que vio algo en la imagen caída.
O acaso su reflejo son las fuerzas binarias?
Hace unas semanas conocí a un Luis. Luis vio a Josefina. O al menos eso crei. Senti mi feminidad aflorar fuertemente y me genero cuestionamientos muy profundos, mucha gente lo noto, hombres que antes no me percibian de repente me lo hicieron notar. Yo lo deje ser.
Quiero pintar ciudad automatica como de buenos aires en berlin, pero eso era trabajo de josefina, una persona destinada a estar sola, en una existencia tortuosa, aprisionada dentro de los margenes de una sociedad conservadora, limitada mentalmente por sus padres, menos mal que eran gente tb compleja, buscando escapatorias mediante los outsiders y filosofos de la religión, que luego fueron los del barrio, primero Bella Vista, despues Balvanera. Mi madre estaba muy preocupada por Josefina y temió muchas veces por su salud mental.
Mi salud mental fue algo a lo que le di prioridad durante los 2 primeros años en berlin. Hubo alguien, no se quién, ah sí, que me cuestionó porqué mencionaba ese término a la hora de hablar acerca de mí… y yo me quede… ¿Cuán poco trabaja la gente en uno mismo? Josefina no era feliz, ella necesitaba creer en Dios porque no podia creer en si mism.
Josefina tenía una profundidad emocional infinita y muy fuerte, podía entrar al alma de cualquiera en dos miradas. Supo entablar contacto con artistas importantes, jesuitas de claustro, un par de multimillonarios nómades, brujas y otros seres intangibl3s.
Josefina se sentía abusada. Pienso en ella y se me estruja el intestino. Para los ojos de la sociedad Josefina estaba enferma, alguna suerte de depresión, el arte su refugio. Eso que podía enviar afuera lo enviaba como estampitas, al mundo real, y como todo lo que hacía era profundo y hermoso el mundo real le perdonaba sus ofensas, aunque no cometía ninguna. Y por no cometerlas Josefina sabía que no le debía nada a nadie y volvía a su guarida. Sola.
Josefina, o puede ser que haya sido Jo, se enamoro de sydney en el añp 2008 y al volver a Buenos Aires decidió pintar ciudades, empezó por la que tenía en frente. Ahora que vuelve la necesidad de pintar ciudades encuentro que la necesito, para pintar berlin. Pero no se quién es.
Quedó oculta tras josie ¿Acaso no fue Berlín la muerte de josie-josefina? Y… si. Y por fin me sentí mejor.
Josie permitió la separación d3 Josefina, y esta le sedió el control. Al llegar a Berlin Josie murió. Lentamente, y con ella mueren las partes de Josefina que nunca fueron. Al tener que tomar lo de Josie que sí era real, me encuentro con partes de Josefina… y veo que alguien existió ahí… así haya sido un alguien vacío.
Producto del constructo social. Josie del mercado del arte. Josefina de la sociedad binaria. Jo es producto de la realidad no binaria.
Aye me escucho hoy, como 2 horas por teléfono. Le conte desde la intoxicacion con pollo, la renovacion de mi mente ahora basada en mi intestino, la intuición más firme, hacer las cosas que sí quiero hacer, conocer gente interesante y pensante, inventarme a un Luis y que haya despertado a Josefina. Aye me dijo que era necesario integrarla.
Integrarla…
¿A quién?
¿A un joven que llegados los 14 años se sintió abusad por la sociedad? La primera menstruación y, desde entonces, la siempre presente sensación de haber perdido algo. Siempre quería volver a los 14 años. El cuerpo cambia, la ropa es la indicada en los locales para mujeres, me gustaba la alta costura como forma de arte, me gustaba el diseño, como tb usar la ropa de mi padre, no veia problema en tener demasiados amigos varones, o dormir con mis hermanos, me enamore de mi hermana e intente besarla, no entendia la diferencia de géneros, y, en paralelo, seguía todas las normas sociales, aumentando el dolor por dentro, el vacío cada vez más grande hasta ocupar todas las partes de mi ser. Me invitaron o me acerque a varios espacios de vida de claustro, por admiración, y por envidia. Por mi forma de ser me volvia amig de ellos, pero por pensar no pegaba con ellos.
Todavía me resulta surrealista esto de ser trans o no binarie.
Lo intento. Pienso en Josefina (no sabiendo qué es) y entonces siento una sombra bastante fuerte acercarse. Y si la integro, dejo de pensar en Josefina, en Josie e inclusive en jo… y miro lo que se ve por mis ojos nuevamente… siento integración y suelto el aire de mis pulmones. Se siente un poco mas “mujer” incluirla, es decir, siento dolor. Siento demasiado dolor. Josefina rompía las normas sociales, no las soportaba, le dolian demasiado.